She Won't Confess (She's Beautiful)
by unoriginalrhombus
Summary: Basically my take on this seasons Arizona. Set after the crash. Angst. "So she let the fear of being alone consume her, she let it devour her and turn her into something new. This cruel, vindictive, hurtful, ugly person."


_**A/N: Long time no see guys! This is a one-shot I wrote (with the possibility of more) based off of what's been happening lately. Honestly, I wrote this in an hour because what I felt were Arizona's feelings were extremely close to my current ones and it just flowed. I didn't want to bother with a beta, not because she isn't wonderful, but because if I didn't post this now it'd just get lost in the shuffle of my mind.**_

**She Won't Confess (She's Beautiful)**

There are things you wish for before big moments.

Arizona wished that she hadn't been so hard on Karev. She wished that she had told Callie that she loved her more often.

Or even better, that she had showed it. She wished for her brother, she wished he was there to hold her hand and tell her that everything was going to be okay.

When Arizona had realized that the plane was indeed going down she had hoped for safe guidance from whoever was looking out for her. She prayed for Sophia to know that she loved her and for Callie, oh God, for Callie to know she was Arizona's soul mate and that if she made it out of this thing alive...well, she'd spend every day proving that to her. She wished for forgiveness-and while Arizona had never really been religious, she found herself praying for the other passengers on the plane.

Everyone always talks about that moment when you realize that this was the end for yourself, everyone always says that you see your life flash before your eyes. It wasn't like that for Arizona. She didn't see her life, she saw memories. She saw moments where she could have been better. She saw the people she should have saved. She heard Callie's laugh and saw Sophia's smile. She saw her brother. Arizona closed her eyes to those images, content to let those be the last things she ever saw. She let relief wash over her at the fact that this was only happening to her and not to Callie or Sophia.

It was weird how quickly love and relief could turn into resentment.

When Arizona had woken up on solid ground, she let the worst of things consume her. She let herself fill up with hope (which could sometimes lead to the worst of things). Arizona closed her mind to her surroundings and forgot about Mark and Lexie. She let herself believe that everything would be okay as long as she found her way back to Callie.

It was seven days later when Arizona found her way back to Callie. But she wasn't the same Arizona anymore, she didn't come back completely whole. Arizona had made the mistake of letting herself believe for so long that everything would be perfect and that Callie would fix everything. So when Callie couldn't fix Arizona, she had let the worst kind of feelings consume her. Sometimes when you're not careful, you can let life get the best of you. You can let yourself get sucked into the worst of feelings and let it stay that way day after day.

At first, Arizona knew she was acting harshly because she was just scared. She let herself make excuses for treating Callie the way that she did. Every time she lashed out at Callie she would silently tell herself that the next day she would be better, she would be Arizona again. She would tell herself that if Callie really loved her then she'd stick around.

Deep down, though. Arizona knew that nobody should have to stick around through _that_.

The problem on the surface was her leg. It was an ugly reminder of the person she used to be. It was the ink stain on a once perfect resumé. The bigger issue though- the issue she focused on-was Callie's decision to remove it. The thing was though, that it was bigger than that and she just wanted Callie to _see_ it.

Obviously Arizona was scared to not have her leg anymore. It was frightening to have to go through life as less than what you were before. But at the root of problem Arizona acknowledged as a doctor that even though she didn't like seeing herself anymore, she knew that this Arizona was better than no Arizona.

If she was being honest, her resentment didn't even lie with Callie's decision. Her resentment for Callie stemmed from the after effects of Callie's decision. Arizona was upset because she was no longer the woman who Callie could depend on, she was no longer the woman who could take care of her. She wasn't entirely upset at the loss of her leg, she was upset at what that leg represented for them as a couple.

Now she was just a shadow of the woman she was before. She would constantly need care, she would have to be the one depending on Callie constantly-not just for a brief moment, but for a _lifetime_.

It scared her, pushed her, and beat her.

How could she demand Callie to take care of her for forever when she was like this? And what's more, how could she _expect_ her to?

Even though Arizona had grown past the majority of her fears, one had always stuck by her. While she was certain that she loved Callie with her whole heart, there were still moments where she was deeply afraid that Callie didn't love her the same way back.

It hurt Arizona to admit that she would be completely broken without Callie, but she wasn't certain Callie would be that way without her.

All situations ended up the same. When Callie couldn't accept the fact that Arizona didn't want children, she left. When Callie couldn't forgive Arizona for Africa (when she didn't even take the time to understand), she left her. And Sophia? While she was Arizona's in her heart, she wasn't completely Arizona's.

She was scared of being alone and angry that she had let Callie take so much of her. Arizona was mad that she let this happen without demanding anything from Callie in return. So she let the fear of being alone consume her, she let it devour her and turn her into something new. This cruel, vindictive, hurtful, _ugly_ person.

This little thing took over her life and she found herself sick to her stomach with all the thoughts of what could have been. She wasn't certain that love was enough anymore, she wasn't certain she would survive this without Callie.

So instead of waiting for the day Callie decided to quit, Arizona pushed her wife and braced herself for impact. She waited, and waited, and waited.

Still, nothing happened.

Besides Callie growing sadder every day, Callie didn't seem to move. Instead of leaving, she stuck it out. Out of love at first and then out of obligation.

But Arizona was _still_ scared. She couldn't bring herself to show her vulnerable side to Callie, she couldn't bring herself to be dependant on somebody else for _anything_.

So she fired the nurses, she pushed Callie, and she pulled around the old Arizona until a sham was all that was left. Arizona didn't want to do any of it but every time she opened her mouth to apologize, something cruel would leave her lips instead. It was almost impossible to make the anger disappear.

She wanted nothing more to tell Callie the things that were going on in her mind but she knew how much it would frighten Callie. Arizona knew her mind was a mess right now.

So she waited and waited and waited until one day she just couldn't wait anymore.

Arizona had been lying on her bed watching Callie get ready for work when she had noticed the date on their calendar. The air had left her lungs so quickly that Arizona would have sworn she was punched in the gut.

It was the anniversary of her brother's death.

Before Arizona could grasp anything to hold onto, a barrel of memories hit her hard. She remembered her brother at Thanksgiving dinner, her brothers best friend. She remembered Wallace and Lexie and Mark. She thought of the tiny coffins and Sophia. She thought about Bailey and her first husbands marriage.

Most of all, Arizona thought about Callie. Perfect, beautiful, patient Callie. The Callie who cried in another room every night because she thought Arizona wouldn't here her. The Callie who called three times a day to check up on her even though Arizona never answered. The Callie who loved her and wanted her and chose _her_.

Arizona gripped the sheets as a choked sob made it's way through her lips. She felt the tears wrack her body and cried even harder when Callie spun around concerned.

"Arizona? What's wrong?"

Arizona closed her eyes so she wouldn't have to look at Callie. She pushed the palm of her hands into her eyes and tried to cover up the tears.

"Arizona! What's going on?"

Arizona felt Callie's hands drag her own hands away from her face. She felt Callie carefully sit down next to her. It only made Arizona cry harder.

"Arizona, you're scaring me."

Arizona opened her eyes. "I'm scared."

Callie looked at Arizona warily. Her defenses still up in case the new Arizona decided to make an appearance. "Me too."

"Please."

"Please what, Arizona?"

Arizona hiccuped. This was the closest Callie had been to her in months and the reality of the situation started to suffocate her. She shouldn't be this person, her brother wouldn't be happy at this new woman she was becoming. This new Arizona was a disappointment and the only way to fix it would be with complete honesty.

"Please don't leave me."

Callie stared at Arizona. She looked at Arizona's eyes and stayed completely still. It was unnerving to be so completely honest with someone, even someone that you whole heartedly loved. It's difficult to lay yourself out there for the world to see and not know what you'll get in return. It was scary because if this part of Arizona was rejected, it would be devastating, since this part of her was the most real right now.

After a few minutes of silence Callie's face crumpled. Tears formed in the corners of her eyes and she grabbed Arizona's face with both of her hands. She pulled Arizona closer to her as sobs started to wrack her body.

"God, baby, I've missed you."


End file.
